A Decade? Since When (2000-2009)

I am actively celebrating Old Year's today. Today is the day that I look back over the last year and laugh, cry, reminisce, regret, whatever. But what is special about this day, is that I leave it all behind, and get ready for tomorrow. It is symbolic of what I do everyday anyway for a few minutes, but today, I try to spend a lot of time doing it. What is especially special about this Old Year's Day, is that i am blessed to have lived through an entire DECADE! This is my first decade as an adult, and the last 10 years have proved to be formative--full of mistakes, mishaps, wondrous times, beautiful creations, and lots of love. I am most thankful for the love that I have experienced over the last 10 years. Take a glimpse back with me at all the FUN times I have experienced, and some of the sad times too....

2000- I pledged Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated. These were the best of times and the worst of times, all rolled into one. I yearned for sisterhood and what I obtained from my process filled that void in a very strange way. This was An Experience that changed my life forever and helped me realize how strong I really am. This was also the year that I met Phylissa A. Smith-Deroze. I love her and am so thankful for her!

2001- This was the year that my best friend and I became 'Best Friends' though I suspect we were besties on sight! We spent every waking moment of college together. This was also the year I had my heart broken again and again by a man that I have loved like no other, but never loved me like that in return. I am thankful he is out of my life though, or I would not be who I am today. This was also the year my grandfather died...he was ripped from our family years earlier and his death seems so unfinished.

2002-This was the year that I graduated from College. God help the rest of the world, because I was coming!! I was in a hurry to get out of Tallahassee, and out into the world waiting to swallow me up whole! I had so many good memories of college, but the terrible ones just stuck out like glass shards in my memory. Goodbye FSU, hello Brooklyn! But I was especially thankful that I had graduated, and had done so with two degrees.

2003- This was the year I became a Spanish teacher, a GED Program Administrator, a After School Tutor, and started attending the Brooklyn Tabernacle. I felt so at home in Brooklyn! I was so glad to be a part of my new church family too! I also met my sister and brother for the first time in my entire life. I felt so overjoyed, but angry and confused. My father was a real live rolling stone!

2004-Transitions Ministry happened started early this year. This would be the love of my life for the next 5 years. I don't know where I would be today with out Brian and Susan Pettrey, Nana Nuamah, Gabby Portalatin, Niyah Rahmaan and a host of other folks, who helped me through one of the roughest years of my life! I was just coming to terms with the fact that my dad was never going to be who I wanted him to be in my life, and I was just going to have to live with that fact.

2005- This was the year that I become close with a woman name Joni Schwartz. She helped me not take myself so seriously, and is the reason why I am at Penn State University as a doctoral student today! If it was not for her, I would not even have begun to think in that direction, much less submit an application to the program. Her soft persistence and her prayers for me, gave me the strength, and continue to give the the strength to be here.

2006-This year, I became the Director of the Learning Resource Center at Katharine Gibbs School in Manhattan. This was hands down the most creative job that I have had, allowing me to realize so much of my potential as an educator. I am thankful to Niyah Rahmaan, who followed the leading of the Lord to even refer me for this job! It changed my life. And helped me to realize how amazing being a leader really was, but how difficult it was as well. Truly, to whom much is given, much is required.

2007- I know that so many awesome things happened in this year but it was all a blur. From Church to Work to boyfriend to everything else, I was running on empty. I know for sure I was working 70 hour weeks and still serving full time in the Choir, volunteering elsewhere, becoming consumed with the lives of my students, and trying to figure out if I wanted to marry the guy I was dating. 2007 Seemed to pass in a daze....and I was just waiting for something new...It was also the first rumblings deep down in my belly about this exciting man named Barack Obama, who was creating such a ruckus on the political scene! Who was this stranger?

2008-This year was the explosion my life and release in my soul! I got accepted to the Penn State's Graduate School for a PhD, I was getting ready to move out of my beloved home, away from my Beloved Roommate of four-and-a-half years Saara, who had seen me through two boyfriends and a host of flings, and about 6 cycles of depression. And in the midst of all that, I quit my job early to Join the Barack Obama Campaign. I can't even believe it as a type it...but I joined and I worked hard as hell, and we WON! we WON!!!!!!!! I met so many beautiful people on this campaign who I love dearly and are close to my heart. I also fell in love on the campaign, a love which I thought would last but alas...the story ends as abruptly as it begins...

2009- After starting the New Year off Wonderful and Awful all at once, I get it together. I start my first semester at Penn State. I meet some fantastic people, and make my way out of a deep depression. I was just beginning to deal with the fact that my mama had moved to Kuwait a few months earlier, that her life was in a shambles and so was mine. But somehow, we both got it together. I took a huge leap with my new Penn State Friends and Ran for Secretary of the BGSA. I don't regret it one bit. I also celebrated 10 years as a PBHS Graduate and caught up with some lovely friends from the olden days (one of whom, Brit Brit, i will be ringing in the new year with)! I also met a friend that is close and dear to my heart, and I hope that things with us continue to grow. He is so special to me and is such a wonderful person!! Him and I are kindred spirits. I am hoping that 2010 brings pleasant surprises in that department.

I left out a million things but those are the highlights. My life now at Penn State is different, but it has become lovely. I am so happy to see where life has taken me, and I am even more excited to see what the next 10 years as an adult will be like. I may regret some of the decisions I have made, the men that I have loved, and the people who I have allowed to enter my life, but I can't say that I regret being where I am right now. Life has been awesome, and for that I am especially thankful and humbled.

In 2010, I look forward to the wonderfully strange thing that has become my life.

My Motto for the New Year: 'Use things, not people; Love people, not things.' --big tex

Making time to talk about me.

So I am making time to write each morning, so expect a lot more blogging from me! I don't know if folks will ever read this, and that is what discourages me sometimes. My blogs don't follow any conventional wisdom or have any theme...they just are. They are what ever they are that day. I hope that which ever one person is reading, will take away something.

This week has been rather interesting. I have gotten back on a schedule. This has made my life extremely easy, even though keeping and sticking to a schedule is very difficult! From the time that I get up in the morning til about 5:30, I am working and organizing and getting my life together. I love being in charge of my own schedule. It gives me a certain sense of purpose. But I think it is rather funny that 'my own schedule' mimics very much what my schedule looked like when I was a part of the professional world. It seems that no matter what I do, the man has his foot on my neck, from about 9am to 5pm. But one thing I am making sure of for sure. I am going to make time to sleep, enjoy life, and look for love, and let love find me.

I also like that keeping a schedule gives me time to think about what I want to think about! There is so much freedom in thinking, dreaming, and imaging. I love having the time, to imagine what I think life should be like, and I love to write about that. Right now even, I am imagining me keeping this schedule for the rest of this week, and next, and getting so much work done! I see myself finishing my papers on time, and not getting stressed out this end-of-the semester, and I see myself on that cruise come december worry free. I see myself managing my stress and not getting too many more gray hairs.

I imagine myself making time for my music in the future too. I have so many dreams about that, that i am still so shy and afraid to dream. But I will get there...I am not going to stop dreaming. it's how I got here in the first place.

#howdareyou -the best twitter trend ever.

So I turned on my laptop last night and #howdareyou on twitter was lighting up the night! it was fun. so here are my tweets from last night. I had fun writing them so i want to immortalize them. lol.

#howdareyou have a top row of gold teeth and a bottom row of yellow teeth?

#howdareyou ACTUALLY think that blamin it on the patron is acceptable in REAL LIFE? itsa SONG. #deathto non-liquor holding, reneging LOSERS!

#howdareyou get offended when i ask if you sell sushi at your chinese restaurant when you sell CHICKEN WINGS and FRIED PLANTAIN?!?

#howdareyou ask me to read your mind, or tell you what you're thinking after i tell you that i studied psychology in undergrad??? #WDDDA

#howdareyou stay at your girlfriend's for a week and not take a shower, or brush your teeth and get mad when she won't TOUCH you?

#howdareyou ACT THE DAMN FOOL about how the child ain't urs, demand a paternity test, and when it comes back 99.99% yours, you cry. jerk.

#howdareyou try to bribe me into following you! I WORK FOR THE GOVT! i only accept expensive bribes.

#howdareyou try to curse me out through the #howdareyou TT. you crazy. don't you know i will BREAK YOU!?

#howdareyou sag ur jeans down to your knees and then ROLL THAT JAWN UP TOO! and then come over and try to talk to me. do i look that crazy?

#howdareyou claim that you didn't beat that boy jo jackson? oh so, now you wanna talk all this mess because MJ is gone. jerk.

#howdareyou tell me that you didn't want my number anyway, when you just asked me for it and i told you no? #WDDDA

#howdareyou curse a negro out all in the street and put your hands all on him and expect them not to turn around and SHAKE you to DEATH?

#howdareyou go round singin marymary's song 'it's the god in me' like u and god are that tight? u know u and god don't get down like that!

#howdareyou use your powers for evil, and not for good??? let the good in you always overcome the not-so-good.

#howdareyou act like michael jackson wasn't the greatest entertainer of ALL TIME!? TIME AND TIME OVER!

#howdareyou chris brown hittin folks and dressing crazy. anybody else want him to give the bellhop back his shirt? raise your hand.

#howdareyou assume that because i am single, i am thirsty? BACK UP OFF ME!

#howdareyou not follow @elonjames? he is the TRUTH!!!!

#howdareyou still watch that god-awful dehumanizing programming on BET? DOUCHE UR BRAINS and start OVER! (thanks charity)

#howdareyou racially insensitive, silver-spooned, egomaniacs roll your eyes and talk about a post racial USA??? skip gates beeches! #WDDDA

#howdareyou PHONE STALK ME! the ish is NOT THAT SERIOUS! callin from different numbers, blocking numbers, having your friend call me...

#howdareyou not 'RETURN' THE FAVOR!!!!!

#howdareyou tell me that i need to dress more provocatively knowing you need to cover your ish up? don't nobody wanna see that mess!

#howdareyou try to tell me that i am eating too much junk food when you just scarfed down three plates of a heart attack breakfast!

#howdareyou act like you got it going on when you STILL ain't got no job and NO game? sucker!!!!! joke's on YOU!

#howdareyou misrepresent yourself on your facebook profile, picture, status, and DOB? you know you wrong.

#howdareyou be successful and educated and forget that you're BLACK! sorry skip!!


#howdareyou ask for my number but don't have a phone, and then insist that i come visit you at the half way house? THE HALF WAY HOUSE???

#howdareyou is one trend that I can definitely rock with. it's on and poppin.

#howdareyou expect me to be gorgeous and tight bodied, when you are ugly, and have a 12" muffin top. can we say 'do the booty do?'

that's why me and God meet in other places...besides church!

i used to attend this church. i got sick to my stomach reading all of this. what makes it worse is that i experienced some of this while i was there. i didn't do anything about it. i felt that i could not. i wonder if i was so scared of the systemic backlash that i would experience? was i that afraid of being cast out by the people that were my supposed leaders? i am ashamed of myself. leaving did not make a difference. it only created a space for more people to go through the same thing that i did. if you go to a church that is doing things that seem fishy to you, don't sit back and say anything. do something. please. people need your support. and your voice.

Brooklyn Tabernacle's Lack of Accountability-Could this be true?

Jamie Foxx and The BET Coonery Awards

What a hot mess. I can't believe that we actually support this channel! Well at 2:07am this morning, i finally said, NO MORE! I won't take anymore crap from this so called 'black entertainment channell. I can't believe that instead of just honoring Michael, they put together the best coonery show in the history of the world. They will go down in History as the worst channel for black folks, and 2009, this year, will go down in History as the year that they lost all hope of having a real awards show. I am going on a month long internet campaign. Don't watch BET until they do something about their programming. This channel should be BANNED! They just set all people of color back 150 years. Is this what our leaders work hard for? For us to perpetuate this stereotypical crap?I am SO done with the channel. Never watching again. Ever. Not even when they run my favorite black people movies. I want the channel blocked from my home.

Not only do I want the channel blocked but I am telling them how I feel! please write to BET at contactus@bet.com and let them know that their programming SUCKS, and that they are making a mockery of everything important in the black culture. I am upset they are allowed to exist!

Live Your Life Off The Wall

after being sullen and sad and teary all evening, i am finally able to write about michael jackson. off the wall is still my life theme song. i get wild everytime i hear this song. it has reminded me from almost the day i was born of what type of life i should live. the song reminded me that i should work hard, and play hard. it reminded me that it was ok to be young and free and to do what i wanted to do. it reminded me not to follow the rules but to make the rules and set my course. i can remember dancing around my livingroom at 6 years old to this song, and just knowing that when i grew up, that i would live life, how i wanted to live it. and thanks to my theme song to constantly remind me, my life has been an amazing off the wall, out of the ordinary experience. thanks michael. i applaud you. i stand in awe of how amazingly you were created. i am floored by your continuous musical magesticness. you helped me to remember to never put myself on the shelf, and never forget about my dreams. thank you for being your amazing, eccentric, artistic, big open-hearted self.

I LOVE YOU MICHAEL JACKSON.

many many tears for my michael.

He's been on my mind

so. i would not have thought six months ago, after being madly in love with one man, and having my heart smattered all up and down north east corridor that i could ever feel anything for another man. but here i am feeling so much. i have to keep myself from letting him know how i feel, because he is not good for me. he is like the caution tape surrounding an accident at the scene of a crime. you know you are bound to see something bad if you cross the line, but you don't know how long you can keep yourself from finding out what is back there. there is some sort of allure that lies there that you can't take your mind away from.

i often get into these stages where i want no other man, i see no other man, and i think about no other man. here i am again. i konw for sure at least i was meant to be manogamous. i know it. i just have to find the right one who wants to be manogamous with me. with this particular man, i am not sure how manogamous he wants to be. and with that uncertainty, i cannot open that door. i cannot set myself up for a heart break that is surely sitting right beyond a few steamy lust filled sessions of passion and mind tricks and flirtation. the chase. the chase. the chase. the run. the catch. and then what? it is this phase that i am most afriad of.

i am afraid i will be alone forever, though i am most afraid of being alone forever, i am most afraid of being with someone and still being alone forever. oh, the damnation of being human. i should have been born a dog. this would have been much easier.