He's been on my mind

so. i would not have thought six months ago, after being madly in love with one man, and having my heart smattered all up and down north east corridor that i could ever feel anything for another man. but here i am feeling so much. i have to keep myself from letting him know how i feel, because he is not good for me. he is like the caution tape surrounding an accident at the scene of a crime. you know you are bound to see something bad if you cross the line, but you don't know how long you can keep yourself from finding out what is back there. there is some sort of allure that lies there that you can't take your mind away from.

i often get into these stages where i want no other man, i see no other man, and i think about no other man. here i am again. i konw for sure at least i was meant to be manogamous. i know it. i just have to find the right one who wants to be manogamous with me. with this particular man, i am not sure how manogamous he wants to be. and with that uncertainty, i cannot open that door. i cannot set myself up for a heart break that is surely sitting right beyond a few steamy lust filled sessions of passion and mind tricks and flirtation. the chase. the chase. the chase. the run. the catch. and then what? it is this phase that i am most afriad of.

i am afraid i will be alone forever, though i am most afraid of being alone forever, i am most afraid of being with someone and still being alone forever. oh, the damnation of being human. i should have been born a dog. this would have been much easier.