Well, Who Do We Have Here?

I am ecstatic about starting this frightening process.

I am not going to claim that this blog does anything.

It may be inane, mundane, insane, or profane.

But it will be altogether lovely. You will enjoy reading.

~~~~~

So, I am still journeying. I awake most days wondering how I arrived at my current station in life. I search for the remote so that I may rewind my mental DVD. I struggle to remember the last few months, or even moments, before I closed my eyes. For the most part, life has been great. For the least part it has been terrible. For this combination I am grateful.

Today I stop the DVD at my last great quest and press play. Chapter Unknown, The Barack Obama Presidential Campaign. The DVD never goes back to the campaign chapter itself, but to the outtakes- the boyfriend, the friends, the fights, the homeless folks, the business owners, the food. In a strange way, these components were all the campaign, as much as they weren't. As traumatized and worthless as I felt when the campaign was done, I look back on the time with so much love and admiration in my heart for the woman who lived and breathed then.

I hold obfuscated memories and beclouded events in my mind's eye. I look back at her and I know that she accomplished greatness, but I wonder who she was? I endeavor to know what she experienced. Did she love the campaign as much as I do? Looking back at Me-Then, I wonder how much she is a part of Me-Now. That woman was driven and focused. Me-Now is a lethargic wanderer. Me-Then, well, that woman was friendly, amazingly smart, attractive, and funny. Me-Now, seems to have never had those qualities. Me-Then, was innovative, quick on her feet, and strong as steel. Me-Now is an unsure, apprehensive student...again. What did Me-Then think this doctoral program would be like? I want to ask her, Me-Then. What corner did she escape around? Who was she anyway? I can barely see the slightly overcome slump of her shoulders as she vanishes from my memory. Where is her confidence? Where is her swagger? I want those qualities of hers. I want to reach back into time and take them from her, and use them for myself. I envy her. She seemed to have it all together.

That campaign and the surrounding cacophony of events changed my life.

I am a totally different Me.

The verdict is still out on whether or not this is agreeable.