I can't change the direction of the wind

I spoke at length with an invaluable friend of mine last night. I have been in this College Town for a few months now and I have been feeling the PAIN! I am constantly aware of this self constructed cloud of inadequacy hanging just overhead, ready to break at a moments notice if I fail to keep the conditions of my atmosphere in order- study, work, write, read, sound smart, be confident, be cute, maintain a quick wit. I am nervous that I may be in danger of Grad School Epic Fail. That's when you get into the world of academia, and realize that your tools for navigating the fathomless seas of intelligence are wonting. Time to create and reinvent the new self. Which is where my invaluable friend comes in.

She told me the story of coming to this very same academic institution, nearly five years ago, and enduring some of these same feelings; 'I'm not smart enough to be here,' 'Everyone has it together', 'Is it me or am I lonely?', 'I am tired of being the 'colored' person in the room,' 'Do I have to be the only one with natural hair in the whole entire department?' 'I don't even know how to begin to understand what I am reading' and the infamous 'I will never, ever, ever, find a dissertation topic. Ever.'

Last night, She reaffirmed that I am smart enough to be here. I cut the mustard. They chose me out of many applicants to attend that University, and to be in that particular program. And that I had better nip the habit of inadequacy in the bud very quickly.

The habit of inadequacy. Hm.

So today, I am adjusting my sails. I might not be able to do much else, but I can do that.


"I can't change the direction of the wind. But I can adjust my sails." - Unknown