This morning was my first experience in Brooklyn Criminal Court. I was so scared that I would not find the place, for as I found out, it is truly behind God's Back. Yes. Criminal Court. I woke up anxious, nervous and annoyed. I glanced at my summons again. What the hell did 'disobey sign' mean? All I did was try to turn around at the monument in Grand Army Plaza. I was hella lost that night! The officer was very nice, but this was a ridiculous inconvenience at nine in the morning.
I Googled directions and got myself together. Here we go...Criminal Court. I got in the car and took off, rushing not to be late, but hoping not to get another stupid summons. I rounded the circle at Grand Army Plaza and Peered at the Monument for the wretched sign. There it was. NO THRU TRAFFIC. I was guilty, I guess...
Traffic court was all that I expected: idle city officials, a host of "criminals", power hungry police officers, lots of yelling, metal detectors, cocky lawyers cute guys, and chocolate. The Sergeant was selling World's Finest for his daughter's fund raising project. I made friends with him quickly after overdosing on three bars in about a half an hour.
All criminals that had had been summoned to the Red Hook Community Justice Center, were filed into a small courtroom to await trial. And by 'await trial' I do mean 3.5 hours of waiting for a judge that forgot to show up that morning. Gotta love the justice system. It should be noted that the city crinimal court officials did so close to nothing for those 3.5 hours that I felt much better about my pending state tax return.
During my three hours I made friends with the two handsome gentlemen sitting next to me. 'What are you in for?' They quipped. It was unnecessary detainment indeed. Unjust. Cruel. 'I crossed the line at Grand Army Plaza,' I said slightly embarrassed. They laughed. I was even more embarrassed...until they told me their story.
Mr. Redhead (the most gorgeous of the two) recounts his tale of ' A St Patty's Day Mugging'
'We were on our way home from hanging out that night. We were with a friend that was extremely drunk. We were close to our apartment and were trying to give him the keys to go upstairs so that he could sleep it off-- he was so drunk. We had to stuff the keys in his pocket because he kept saying 'no! no! i can't take the keys! I can't! I just can't!' After we stuff the keys in his pocket, we decided to jog to Dunkin Donuts to get food. As we rounded the corner we heard sirens. The police accused us of mugging our friend, told us to get down on the ground, frisked us, and put us in hand cuffs. We explained that we didn't mug our friend. We were giving him the keys to our apartment. After a few minutes of convincing them of what had really happened...they gave us summons for disorderly conduct instead.'
Wow. If I had my eyes closed, I would have assumed hat this was happening to two men of color. I laughed and laughed (with them, of course) and asked them to tell me the story again. I had to remember this. I wanted to blog about it later. It sounded SO suspect!
Ironically, it seemed that they were telling the truth! About 45 minutes after their rather tall tale, their names were called and they were excused from the courtroom! They winked at me and waved as they left. So adorable. As they exited with extremely liberated swaggaer, folks in the 'audience' (as termed by our residing police officer) were rolling their eyes, sucking their teeth, and muttering 'damn lucky white boys' under their breath. The man next me asked me 'how the hell are they allowed to leave?' As if I was their lawyer.
The rest of us sat their bored out of our minds and getting yelled at for talking, breathing, or simply being for the next hour and a half. It was maddening. The new judge that they had convinced to come to Summons Day in Criminal Court, was on his way. He was further delayed because he thought someone was picking him up from the train station. I rolled my eyes as the idle city officials argued over who was going to pick up the judge.
Finally. A Judge, Any Judge. And a really funny judge.
I immediately perked up as the officials began to call the names of the criminals and their charges.
Here is an idea of the criminal offenses that plague the City of New York, Borough of Brooklyn: dog-walking without a leash, drinking alcohol in public with out a cover on the bottle, simply 'violation', disobey sign, unnecessary noise, among a HOST Of others, warranting fines of $25-$400.
But the number one crime in criminal court today was...
...drumroll please...
1. URINATING IN PUBLIC ($50 Fine): 8 People (by the time my crime was called)
Now I found this amazing. In about 15 minutes of the judge showing up, he had fined 8 people for urinating in public (especially maddening when my car had just been broken into the day before and there was not one officer around). All men, all dark skinned, save one. One man pulled out his prescription and his medication and proved to the judge that he had a medical condition that made him urinate uncontrollably. The judge ACD'd his case (adjournment in contemplation of dismissal), exasperatedly and sarcastically told him to go to the bathroom before he left the next time, and sent him on his way. The room laughed, and was yelled at by that damn police officer.
When my name was called, three others stood with me, along with the public defender. The charge was read 'Disobey Sign'. The Judge rolled his eyes rather unceremoniously, and mumbled
'ACD. NEXT!'
The public defender also mumbled something we were supposed to know, quickly, and that police officer (his uniform and badge be damned) screamed, 'ALRIGHT! MOVE OUT, MOVE OUT!'
After four hours of unjust and idiotic detainment with the most non-smart city officials on earth, we were all very close to assault. We just glared at him, and made a quick exit.
The Upside? I got plenty of morning entertainment, and I didn't have to pay a fine. Word.
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